Why did I decide to minimize posting to Instagram in the beginning of Q2 of 2019?

I started my 3rd Instagram account with the single aim to document our project in 2019: it was my main joy after quitting my career and having to endure the verbally abusive man at home. For that account, I didn’t follow anyone so I won’t be distracted by the postings of others, after my previous accounts since 2013.

Instagram seemed to be the best avenue for a super busy mother who has no time to write blog posts.

However, Instagram forced me to provide my phone number thrice in the early July 2019. That’s enough! Worse, posts with my unique hashtags to document our project, are no longer searchable.

Yes, I have benefited in the past from beautiful travel Instagram pictures while I research for our trips. I like how Instagram put posts in 3/columns that allow easy viewing. I have also suffered from envy seeing others flaunt their rich/colorful lives.

But with my recent experience and disappointment, I asked what’s the point of sharing my creative contents with Instagram?

Instagram has become so controlling and getting annoying with more ads.
I set up an automatic posting for any of my Instagram posts to a wordpress account and a google drive, but it stopped doing so in early July.
I also wonder if the private accounts are really private, as Facebook data were stolen before.
There are other photo editing apps, for example Cymera that enables me to include Chinese Mandarin text.
There may be a time when Instagram will end up like Picasa who was discontinued or Facebook who was abandoned. I need to back-up my posts since 2013*!
Even former Facebook executive, Chamath Palihapitiya, will not let his own kids to use social media!

That’s why I decided to minimize posting to Instagram in the beginning of Q2 of 2019. I started by uninstalling the Instagram app from my phone. With the time freed from Instagram, I can read more books for myself and my children, learn languages, exercising and playing with my children.

I just use my Instagram account on a laptop browser to appreciate photos taken and generously shared by others, and screenshot inspiring ones for future personal ref in case Instagram deletes them in the future!

Instead of posting to Instagram, I just include some searchable words in the file names of my photos, so I can revisit and review in the future. See ref2019/visual_diary_pte*

This disappointing Instagram experience also motivated me to reconsider my mode of storing data. I would prefer to primarily store offline (especially sensitive info e.g. bank details) and use the online storage as back-ups only. In the past, I used picasa a lot but later my albums were no longer visible.

*ref2019/backup_tasks*

I feel more breathless than ever!

After the travel-related-sleep deprivation from the early 20190514 until the 5 pm when I really lightly slept at Crowne Plaza comfortable sofa but with frequent loud luggage wheel sound that I didn’t bother, I feel more breathless than ever.

Below are some tips according to Chinese Medicine:

“Try to avoid stress, as worry will weaken the Lung and Spleen and lead to breathlessness.

Try not to overwork, as this will weaken Kidney-Yin (and cause an insufficiency of body fluid) and will lead to chronic breathlessness.”

When Little Princess or Little Prince* is naughty, I feel stress.

Yes, I have visions for them to be successful but now I only hope that they will grow up healthily. I try not to be as ambitious, though I have been inspired to be ambitious since childhood thanks to my late Papa.

*On a positive note, when I reached home at 8.10 am on 20190514, I found a bouquet of carnation flowers that Little Prince got for me. Thank you my Darling! He is the man whom I love most in this world, especially when many people deserted me after I have no more $ coming in monthly.

Will you stay in a marriage without love?

I grew up watching how my late father loved my mother very much till the end of his age. He was not religious until the last few weeks of his life that he decided to be a Christian.

In contrast, as years have passed, I find myself in a marriage that has no love. He has not cherished me to the extent that I feel he is full of contempt at me and hence I have started to question myself why must I be nice to him.

The marriage covenant ends when this life ends. Jesus tells us in Luke 20:34-35 that there is no marriage in heaven. Marriage is an earthly institution with a heavenly purpose.

Honestly, I suffer from some forms of depressions from his stonewalling, which he said he enjoyed the past few months of stonewalling me, during the Easter 2019. But, it’s stupid! I must love myself more, do my own things.

Please stay safe in the swimming pools!

Few days before our trip to visit the Godmother of Little Prince on 20190419 (Good Friday), I often used “no swimming” when I could not use rewards to motivate them to do things. Then, on 20190418 I was presented with a news about a girl of the same age as Little Prince who drowned in a hotel in Sentosa and died days later 😦

I miss the swimming pools with lifeguards in the desert.

On 20190417, I also told mama not to swim at deep area even though she knows how to sleep, as I remember my 14-year-old senior who passed away from drowning due to leg cramps years ago.

Some gentle reminders for us:

“drowning is known to occur quickly and quietly between 20 and 60 seconds”
Do not swim in crowded pools
Do not use mobile phones when supervising children swimming
private swimming lessons are safer than group swimming lessons
floating devices e.g. swimming board and float could not 100% guarantee safety.

***

Love in the front

On 20190417, I slept at ~ 3 am whereas Little Princess slept at ~ 1 am (I woke her up from her nap at ~ 6.30 pm on 20190416). I wanted to sleep already past midnight, but through a song about mother’s love, I discovered a movie that drove my curiosity to finish it thanks to YouTube.

Some lessons for us from 爱在前方:

Never give up! The old man and the boy traveled by trains, buses, and on feet following weak clues to find the boy’s mother.
While traveling, take a good care of our child(ren) as kidnappers are among us, including the son of the old man who is in the jail. The old man was panic when the boy went missing during an overnight stay.

The old man reminded me on my late Papa, and the naughty non-biological grandson made me feel the pain when Little Prince and Little Princess whined and were not listening to me. I could learn more from the old man, though once he broke into tears.

The 20190417 Little Princess who woke me up at ~10.50 am had been cranky. She bumped to a wall while walking and hit her head, so I told her to nap as we need to pick her brother at 4 pm.

Comparing and striving for mastery

I have been trained to compare things and people; these include others and myself.

On 20190414, I chanced upon an instagram of a mother (Hazliana) who reads a lot for her daughters and teaches them well in numeracy and literacy. She has also prepared sensory toys, her daughters have drawn colorfully or creatively, and they did a lot of crafts [1]. I am envious and worried for Little Princess ad I have not exposed her to much of sensory toys and we have not sent her to any school after she dropped out before turning 1 year old.

At least, from 20190416, I started posting materials that I taught Little Princess (see ref2019/done_agenda* for the Instagram tag). While it would not be able to out compete the colorful stuff that children are exposed at nursery and kindergartens, at least we had learned some things.

Then, on 20190415, I wasted my precious 1 hour (while Little Princess) was napping, browsing and learning more about a Miss World runner up whose look resemble the Godmother of Little Prince. I wondered what she has been up to. She is an entertainer (of course, with such a credential and good look!) and does missions.

I must stop comparing myself to others. I could always learn from others, but not feel low self-esteem.

I am not a bird that sing beautifully without a word.
I am not a bug who crawls in a mug.
I am not a dragon that sits in a wagon.
I am not a parrot that loves eating carrot.
I am no a squirrel that likes to quarrel.
I am a mother who loves reading for my chidlren,
while juggling the desire to simply cook healthy food for them.

***

[1] While we were browsing a book store on 20190416, Little princess requested me to buy for her a craft book containing a scissor and papers that can be cut to make items e.g. hats, umbrella, etc. However, the minimalist me who was worried of clutters told her “later, Darling!” Mama would buy for you only after you know how to color properly. I bought her a coloring book. For books that we can borrow from libraries, I would not by for Little Prince or Little Princess. Yes, that’s how frugal I am, especially I trade the hours of my life to spend more time with Little Princess instead of earning $.

Cogito, ergo sum

On 20190414, after the father of my Little Prince harshly told him that he would end up as a rubbish collector if he likes to draw but not to learn maths, Little Prince declared that he wants to be a pilot and an author, perhaps like the author of Le Petit Prince – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry . Thank you Miroslav Šašek for your positive influence on my Little Prince, even though you have passed away, your works have spoken to generations after you.

Then, while trimming the finger nails of Little Prince, I played a video of me reading I think I am by Louise Hay for him.

During dinner, I asked him if he likes the book. He replied, “Yes!”

What do you remember most from the book? He replied, “never give up!”

Insomnia

On 20190414, I only managed to sleep at ~ 6 am! I could not sleep after we switched off light at 11 pm on 20190413.

Thankfully, it was a Sunday so Little Prince and Little Princess had someone else to chat with.

我做 honey lemon 给 Little Prince and Little Princess。Their father 不要我煮午餐，他去买 ,因为他想吃 nasi lemak + 炒果条。他也把锁头忘了, 吊在门口。

吃午饭后，我收盘，洗衣服，收衣服，也要一段时间。

However, Little Prince and I had to give our weekly mother-son outing a miss, as he got a fever.

How could I stop my insomnia and fall asleep immediately?

Often, my body was tired but my mind was so active.

There are so many thoughts going around in my mind while I lay down on the pillow. Perhaps, I should be more persevered on my writing dream: to publish a book that is widely read and beneficial to others (see ref2019/ideas_pte*). People, from the ancient times, love stories.

That’s why perhaps I ended up sleeping so late as after I finished a part of my task at ~ 3 am, instead of sleeping, I read about the stories of others [1]. Perhaps, I have been dissatisfied with my mundane life since the beginning of 2019: quitting my career (and the highest salary that I had ever received), a marriage without love but a man who often gives me looks full of contempt [2], intellectually less challenging interactions [3] with a toddler – my Little Princess but perhaps a treasure of a lifetime, for I know once she grows up, things will be different.

As days pass, I hope that I will be more grateful for my Little Prince, Little Princess, simple life and every day. I could create my own wonderful stories.

***

[1] Since I have some attributes related to autism (socializing and small talks drain my energy, I love listening to few songs that I like again and again), I want to watch autism-related movies:

Tomorrow Is Another Day 黃金花
Ocean Heaven (2010)
Destiny (about Xi He)

[2] While the father of Little Prince and Little Princess often gives me looks full of contempt, I will do my best to teach empathy to both Little Prince and Little Princess, because what parents do toward each other and toward their children teaches kids to do the same.

During a dinner in April 2019, Little Prince shared that he does not want to have any child as he does not want to wash the butt of the child, a message that is perhaps subconsciously internalized by the complaints of his father.

My marriage life is the opposite of my parents’ marriage, so it is a big hit for me. My father prioritized my mother over anyone, but he passed away at a young age of 66.

[3] At the library on 20190413, she surprised me when she pointed out a cover picture (among 6 pictures) of a book that I read for her: Peppa Pig My Mummy. Thus, I must put more efforts to share with Little Princess about the world: colors, shapes, alphabets, 2-3 languages that I speak, and how to read by herself.

It is ok to sleep

On 20190412, I started using my laptop aiming to work at 6 am but I felt so sleepy by 9 am. While I tried to sleep, Little Princess asked for her 2nd bottle of the day (the 1st request was at 5.30 am) and I felt so tired to wake up.

Later, I accidentally cut my right little finger while I was peeling pumpkin for our 1-pot lunch and dinner.

I craved so much for my caffeine supply of either coffee with milk or green-tea with milk. For the former, I am still pumping milk (albeit at pathetic amount, but it’s better than none at all) to help boosting her immune response. For the latter, I avoided it because I consumed some Chinese herbal medicine and I didn’t want the supposed beneficial effects to be washed away by the tea.

While doing my chores in the kitchen, I listened to many beautiful songs, including some some songs that allowed me to 想到小时听爸爸妈妈喜欢听的歌。一边煮饭，一边听. Little Princess 一边玩，一边跳舞。

One of my most favorites was 我想有个家 sang by 邱诗晗 with her crystal voice. A part of the lyric resonated with me:

只要心中充滿愛 就會被關懷
無法埋怨誰 一切只能靠自己

While listening to these angelic voices, I wondered on the efforts and talents behind such mesmerizing performances. The insecurity in me reminded me on past events in my life.

In 1999, I was evicted from a singing group of 4-5 people by a girl who is talented in playing piano. Later, she became a piano teacher. At that time, I felt so humiliated and sad, accepting that I have no talent in singing. Yes, I am tone deaf. This is in contrast to my late Papa. Once he heard tunes, he could replay them in musical instruments such as harmonica or flutes. I am sorry that he is 怀才不遇. He still had many unfulfilled dreams when he passed away.

Sometimes, I am worried that Little Prince and Little Princess would be 怀才不遇, or even worse, 怀才不知.

While I am who has been 怀才不够, had been very fortunate with opportunities to learn and travel, I am worried for my future and those of Little Prince and Little Princess.

I’ll just do my best to give them happy childhood and opportunities exploring their talents and passions [1].

Then, Little Princess refused to nap and I managed only to sent an email that was supposed to be delivered more than a week ago.

During dinner, Little Prince asked me if doctors will die. I replied, “Yes.”

Little Prince’s Mama: “Only God will not die?”

Little Prince’s Mama: “That’s what people said.”

Little Prince: “Who are those people?”

Little Prince’s Mama: “For example, people who wrote the Bible i.e. the students (disciples) of Jesus. Are you afraid of dying?”

Little Prince nodded.

Little Prince’s Mama: “Don’t worry. It would only happen after you have raised your children, played with your grandchildren, flown many awesome flights, it would be many, many years ago.”

Little Prince: “However, some children 小朋友 were not lucky. They died early. Why?”

Little Prince’s Mama: “Yes, they died from illnesses or accidents. That’s why you must be very careful. You were lucky that your left ear, instead of your head, was accidentally hit by another child in the childcare. We are careful not to hurt ourselves and others, but we cannot expect others to be as careful as us.”

My thought went to an advice from my late Papa, “害人之心不可有，防人之心不可无.”

During dinner, Little Prince also shared that he dislikes Chinese lessons because the teacher is fierce like a tiger. I asked him if he has been scolded before, he replied “No,” but his friends has been scolded often. I noticed that both are the only sons in their family.

Then, I allowed them to play with LEGO duplo after they did some homework and revision. It seemed that they started to be able to play harmoniously together. How blessed I am to be able to witness them playing while I typed this post; I purposefully brought the toys to our bedroom to avoid them being bitten by mosquitoes (I don’t like rainy days as the mosquitoes had been feasting on my children’s blood!).

I hope that I could sleep well tonight to prepare for a busy Saturday!

***

[1] On 20190412, I asked Little Prince if he would like to learn playing ukulele. He replied, “No, it’s not his interest” However, he is interested to learn singing.

I can do it

On 20190412, Little Princess woke up me at 5.30 am with her request for milk. After my breakfast (I was hungry late last night but told myself not to eat supper), I started working at 6 am plus. I guess washing my face helped to ease my sleepiness and reduce the temptation to return to sleep.

I learned that a co-worker didn’t receive my email with attachment. I cc-ed to myself (a work email address) but I forgot about it that I myself did not receive it. I will be more careful next time, especially I want to wrap this project asap.

Yesterday, I wasted time by reading about Amy Cuddy and Elizabeth Holmes [1], while Little Princess was playing a playground using an IKEA chair and a sofa for climbing and jumping, she said “I can do it” which surprised me, then we had to pick Little Prince.

Inspired by Little Princess, I thought to myself, I can do finishing my backlogs and be ready for our next move for Little Prince’s next chapter of education.

Last night (20190411) during the dinner, Little Prince shared that he didn’t like Chinese Mandarin and dance lessons. Thus, I asked him what he likes. He has been enjoying the LEGO robotics and English lessons.

Instead of blindly chasing academic results, I must observe what Little Prince and Little Princess love and like to do regardless of the challenges, and assist them (without them feeling that I am assisting them) [2]. Before Little Prince and Little Princess are being bogged down with a lot of homework and projects, I wish to expose them to diverse activities for them to discover themselves, their passions, and strengths. Once they reach puberty, it may be harder to guide them, though revolution in mind set happened to me in my teens as a result of living away from my parents.

Like my late Papa who had a vision for me to win scholarships, I envision for Little Prince and Little Princess to discover their passions and live their truest lives. If they passion requires them to obtain a tertiary qualification and we can accelerate it, why not?

I know that Little Prince has been fascinated by aviation since the age 4. He wants to be a pilot, so I did my best to bring him to a flight simulator, in spite of him being under height and could not see the runway. He loves drawing and building air crafts using LEGO. He has been excited reading about planes and places. Let’s see …

Later that night (20190411), I suggested him to teach Little Princess alphabets, while I showered. It was not a smooth running as Little Princess refused to obediently listen to his big brother 100% of the time, but not too bad.

I remember Little Prince told me not too long ago that if he could not be a pilot, he could teach people about aviation.

***

[1] At their rise, I honestly admired these ladies with brain and beauty. I was also interested in psychology to feel better and considered pursuing a study in psychology, but seeing how brutal the field is, I am no longer interested.

Have you tried any power pose? These days, I find it hard to believe in many things that I used to believed in. I am envious to the innocence of little children. Nevertheless, power pose is a positive thing.

Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by advertisements and messages shared in social media. My solution so far has been to disconnect but it may not make me a better friend who stays in touch. An acquaintance whom I met in Switzerland in summer 2010 shared that we should keep in touch every 3 month, or else the friendship will start to fade away.

[2] How I wish my parents could assist me while I struggled in my education. They did within their capacity, e.g. Papa spoke to the vice headmaster to help us skip a grade, but not so much in the contents as they had to work to earn a living and they didn’t even have a chance to finish high school, so they didn’t understand what I went through in my undergraduate days.