Live slowly

On 20190410, I had to wake Little Princess up at 11 am plus and she still refused to wake up. She asked for milk at 8.30 am but went back to sleep.

I was actually planning to bring her to a new playground that we saw from a bus (about 2 bus stops away) since 20190408. Since the sky seemed to be cloudy, I walked and pushed her in the stroller. However, when we reached there, the hot sun is showing up and I could smell the rubbery smell of the playground flooring!

We will return there when we manage to reach there by 8 am and we have to leave by 9 am to prevent hot UV. How could I fall asleep quickly at night? There are often many thoughts that came to my mind before I managed to fall asleep since March 2019!

Then, we went to buy groceries. I initially wanted to bring her to a library but the 1-way journey there was about 1 hour plus according to the Google Map, but I was worried that I would be late to pick Little Prince. Thus, we went home to enjoy my free Nine Fresh dessert (it’s actually a reward after we bought 6 bowls from them), I like it a lot!

After finishing my dessert [1], I washed the salad leaves. I bought kale from Australia, which is rarely sold, and started washing from 3.15 pm to almost 5 pm! How slow I worked! I am thankful that I was still able to earn a living and a saving given how slow I work, or have I became slower than ever? I am thankful to efficient people who have worked together with me, including an Indian lady who is still working with me. Thank you, God!

While I started to prepare Little Prince and Little Princess to sleep at 9 pm plus (making their milk, feeding medicine, brushing teeth, etc) and they managed to sleep, I was still awake at 10.30 pm so I decided to work using my laptop.

However, I ended up reading news, an activity that did not help me to make contributions and feel better. From traffic accidents that claimed the life of young beautiful women, I learned not to sit at the other side of the driver at the back, not to travel at night and some drivers are careless. Even though we are careful, our lives can be affected by the careless.

Pondering of my life for the past quarter of 2019, I feel that I need more faith, hope and love. On faith, I am envious of Christians who have eternal faith on God in spite of what happened to them, I wish I could have such an unswayed faith on God [2]. While trying to sleep, my mind thought of my colleague’s wife. She used to go to the weekly service, until her second daughter was born with Down syndrome and had to undergo heart surgeries. I felt guilty as I unknowingly hugged her second daughter when I brought Little Prince to visit her home in Spring 2017.

To help me to sleep, I tried reading some Chicken Soup for the Soul, which I first learned about while I was a teen. I wish to have energetic mornings, instead of feeling tired every morning like what happened for the past few weeks. Perhaps, I should start drinking soothing chammomile tea, like what I used to do when I pursued a PhD.

Yes, I realize that I have more negative inner self-talk recently. Am I experiencing a mid-life crisis? Many things that I believe in seem to be shattered.

I feel unloved. My spouse told me that he would divorce me when our children grow up. Papa has left; Mama has many responsibilities. When she is visiting my maternal grandmother, I feel that she forgets about me. On the other hand, when she is alone in the city where I spent my childhood, she would often video chat with me via Whats App. After all, for her goodness, it is better for her to stay with the big family of my maternal grandmother. A friend of Mama’s sister suffered from low blood pressure, fell unconscious and broke her arm. It’s not safe to be living alone.

I want to try positive inner-self talk to help me sleeping well. “I feel relaxed. I’m going right to sleep.”

I can put all my worries aside when I have to sleep. After years of being sleep-deprived, I really need to heal my body. Don’t worry about the uncompleted projects and rejections [3].

***

[1] Little Princess liked Nine Fresh dessert last time but she seemed avoiding the bean curd at all this afternoon.

[2] I knew a couple from my undergraduate almamater who are both good-looking, talented and had a fairytale-like relationship. Later, her handsome’s son suffers from autism and her daughter endured epileptic fit. She gave up on her career (after pursuing a PhD) and passion (writing about weddings) to care for her children and still has an immense faith on God.

For me right now, I feel that reading Bible does not help me. Perhaps, I had the impression that Bible is full of scary stories. For the 2nd primary school that I attended, we were given a choice to study Christianity or Buddhism. Since the Buddhism teacher was absent in the first week, the Christianity teacher taught all students and shared about scary stories. However, at home while asking for $ to pay for the Bible, Papa was unhappy and asked me to return to the Christianity teacher. Thankfully, I had not written any name or word on it.

[3] Author Lisa Genova set out to send 100 query letters to literary agents and received so many rejection letters for Still Alice. Never give up!

Finding the time

On 20190409, I thought that I could start working using my laptop at 3 pm, but Little Princess refused to nap as she passed motion into the diaper that I just put on her! [1]

After washing her butt, I felt hungry. Thus, I enjoyed a mug of Milo (4 tsp of Milo powder with low-fat milk) and cheese cake. Then, the washing machine was done and spent time hanging clothes. Perhaps, I need to buy more hangers for children’s clothes so that I don’t have to spend time folding those items. Perhaps, when Little Princess starts schooling like Little Prince has been doing, she would not need so many clothing any more.

I could only start my laptop at 4.30 pm. My initial plan was to start pumping milk at 4.30 pm for Little Princess, then we could walk to a far-away park but the rain canceled my plan. I would research on how to enjoy our day trip tomorrow, it’s a break for me from cooking simple and nutritious meals, so we will not feel bored.

If I have no backlogs to clear and no voluntary commitment, I may not be feeling so stressed. These days, I rarely use my laptop, it’s too bulky to be brought anywhere like the mini one that I had from 2016-2018.

However, I still use my mobile phone as a camera, music player (I enjoyed this children music after my mind rejected affirmations by others [2]), record notes and a communication device with Mama.

Sometimes, I feel sad giving up on my career. However, the tough life of 5-hour/day sleep that I endured until 2018, while from the outside looked cool as a career woman who singly cared for Little Prince, is life-shortening. I knew that my body suffered. Even now, I often feel back pains, which have worsened after the birth of Little Princess. I would like to spend more time with Little Princess and caring for our body and health.

***

[1] I thought that today (20190409), Little Princess made some progresses by passing motion on the potty (after sipping her fluimucil and eating her cheese cake), and later passing urine there as I reminded her to do so, so she would not wet her princess underwear. Perhaps, one learns by making a progress, then moving backward, and then forward again.

[2] I think the only affirmations that work are those written by myself and I believe in. For example, to ease my back pain, I affirm life loves me. I don’t have to worry about shelter and food, we have enough $ to buy food and we have fully paid our mortgage.

Playgrounds are not always safe

On 20190408, I woke up earlier than usual at ~ 7.30 am. I was thinking of bringing Little Princess to a playground that we saw from a double decker bus in a Friday evening (201890405). The playground seemed to have smaller stuff that suits Little Princess. I wish she would be more courageous to try slides, but I’ll let her to take her time.

While waiting for Little Princess to wake up, I prepared our 1-pot rice in a rice cooker. We finished the last remains of Egyptian rice (of Nefertiti brand) that I flew from the Middle East. I put carrot, pumpkin, sweet potato and lady fingers. I felt that the lady fingers were pricking my finger skin while I washed them, so I might not buy them often.

However, she woke up late and we went to the playground next door at 11 am for a short while, after I waited for her to finish her fluimucil.

After our lunch and reading stories to Little Princess, I felt so sleepy that I napped with her. Perhaps, I was not meant to enjoy naps, because most time I feel uncomfortable after waking up from my nap, with beating heart beats.

After I picked Little Prince, I let them to play at the park. The experience allowed me to conclude that playgrounds are not always safe, and I prefer empty or less crowded playground.

First, at the tail of a fake dinosaur bone, a boy of similar age (thankfully of smaller size) to Little Princess came to hold her lower body. She was not happy. She tried to remove the boy’s hands, but he tried again.

It’s good that Little Princess has a big brother, Little Prince who taught her to run away. The boy chased them up until they climbed the stairs.

However, we cannot be depended on others for many things in life.

After I agreed that Little Prince could play swings provided that he held the hands of Little Princess, he ran there followed by his sister. When I managed to catch up, I saw that Little Princess was behind a moving swing. Thankfully, the mother who was pushing the swing tried to avoid hitting Little Princess.

Honestly, I was very upset with Little Prince who had sit in a bigger swing and did not pay attention to his sister. I told him Little Prince that he could not play any longer as a punishment of not taking a good care of his sister. I told him if anything happens (e.g. a girl who fell down from a swing being pushed by her brother and ended up being blind), Little Prince would be responsible for Little Princess for the rest of her life!

I would not let them to go to the swing area ahead of me anymore!

From this experience, I also learn not to let my children to play with these toys as they pose a high risk for eye injuries: guns that shoot any type of projectile, water guns, fishing poles, toy wands, swords, sabers or guns with bayonets, aerosol string, laser pointers and bright flashlights [1].

[1] Some playgrounds have the installations of LED light stuff, but Little Princess likes it a lot. I myself prefer them to play with more traditional kinds of equipment.

Cherish every day of life

On 20190405, while I saw a photo [1] taken when I volunteered in Xmas 2004 and Papa encouraged me to finish my duty in spite of his short visit, I got curious about a junior holding my shoulder.

Then, I became curious of how she is doing now. From her Facebook page, I learned about a young man who passed away at age 31. My thought also went to a junior who died in his late 20s. They were actually talented and well-educated young men. Sad!

I could not imagine the feelings of their parents.

Life is so precious.

Let us cherish every moment, not to waste on gossips or Facebook, but to learn and create meaningful things.

“When you feel unloved, unimportant, or insecure, remember to whom you belong.” -Eph 2:19-22

No more laptop and mobile phone after 11 pm

On 20190404, I only managed to switch off my laptop at 3.30 am but I knew that I didn’t manage to sleep at 4 am.

My back has been in pain, perhaps because I carried Little Princess whole afternoon yesterday (2190403) to Yishun and Toa Payoh, for the laksa and a library program, which was disappointing for me.

Then, at 5.50 am, Little Princess cried and asked for milk. Thus, the sleep-deprived me woke up to prepare her milk and went back to sleep again.

In the mornings, I don’t have any motivation to wake up as I feel to tired. I only woke up at 9.30 am when Little Princess asked me to prepare her milk for drinking again.

I wish I could sleep before 12 midnight, or 11 pm if possible. However, Little Prince sleeps only at 11 pm. Actually, I am amazed by him given that he wakes up at 7.30 am or earlier daily for his school.

I wish I could wake up at 8 am so that I don’t have to see the father of Little Prince and avoid his hurtful words. Then, I could bring Little Princess to playgrounds and shower her once we are back. It is better than showering her late in the evening, but when we go out and return only in the evening, we have no choice.

Some strategies that I would love trying:

No more laptop and mobile phone after 11 pm
Do not be curious of other people [1]
Focus on finishing my tasks

Then, at 10.30 am the drilling sound from the neighbour returned [2]. Thankfully, it stopped at 11 am plus so I decided to stay at home and cook our meals. I don’t want to bring Little Princess out everyday.

A positive note is that Little Princess told me that she wanted to sit on the potty to pass motion. It is a hardened stool, as she didn’t drink sufficiently yesterday. Then, I asked her if she wanted to pass urine, she replied Yes and did it! Though she was slower than the average child for potty training of 27 months, I cherish her achievements!

Hope she continues using the potty so we do not have to spend so much $ on the diapers.

***

[1] I have Little Prince and Little Princess whom I could interact and influence more to live happily.

[2] It made me appreciate my need for peace even more: physical peace (free from loud noise) and emotional peace (free from conflicts and arguments).

An unexpected day trip

On 20190403, at 9 am plus, we were woken up by the loud drilling sound from an unknown neighbor.

I decided to change my plan to work on my pro bono projects as I won’t be able to focus.

The noise was even too loud to be bearable for me to cook at the kitchen.

Thus, I brought Little Princess out without the stroller as we would be riding a bus to eat laksa that Mama and late Papa enjoyed eating 5 years ago. Little Princess accompanied me queuing for ~ half an hour! Luckily, I brought a cheese bread that she finished by the end of the queue.

I also packed 2 left-over boiled eggs from yesterday as we unexpectedly had a dinner outside last night. Why is the egg yolk of the boiled egg from the laksa store appear greyish? Perhaps, the laksa store used older eggs.

Then, Little Princess enjoyed some play by riding some rides that I didn’t put tokens in [1]. Just imagine it’s moving! After all, the enjoyed rotating the driving wheels. She has a free ride courtesy of a generous plump mother.

Since Little Princess was attracted by a bouncing castle set up by insurance agents hunting for clients, I just let her play while allowing me to learn more about retirement plans and other things (see agenda). A remark by the more talkative agent went “money makes the world go round.”

On the lift to MRT, 2 women of my Mama’s age argued if Little Princess (I carried her with a baby carrier) is a boy or a girl. They concluded she is a boy, until they say her dress. Mama loves you Little Princess, no matter what people think and say of you.

We had a dinner at Mos Burger but it was a disappointing one. Perhaps, I saw how my $3.5 matcha latte was prepared with microwave from a container in a fridge [2]. Perhaps, the rice of the burger rice was too hard. I prefer my home cooked healthy rice. I took away an ebi burger rice for Little Prince to have a dinner at a park.

On the MRT home, a kind unmarried lady in her 60s told me that her colleague informed her about a saving of 4% interest from CPF for Little Princess. I should check it.

At night, Little Prince re-told the story of Billy Goat that he learned from his English teacher today. This made my day!

***

[1] I am worried that she would ask me for putting tokens (e.g. $1) in the future.

[2] I gradually love my version of matcha latte: a bag of green tea poured with hot water to half of the mug + fresh milk. Well, it’s not entirely freshly milked from the cow, but this is fresh milk that we normally buy from the supermarket.

I wish I could wake up earlier …

The first quarter of 2019 has passed and I felt that I did not make any meaningful contribution. Yes, I am a result-oriented person. To soothe my worrying self, below are some good things that happened in the 2019 Q1:

met Mama twice [1]
spent days and nights with Little Princess
slept more as I used to sleep very little (sometimes 5 hours in 24 hours) in the past 3 years (2016-2018), though I am worried that I overslept now and hence waste my life away.
a ~2-week long Taiwan trip
sold 2 items via Carousell to declutter

On 20190402, I woke up at 9 am plus because Little Princess requested for milk. However, I felt so sleepy and went back to sleep again. I told her to have a morning nap. I often could not sleep at night (perhaps, i should stop using my mobile phone to read about others after 11 pm); after managed to switch off the light at 1 am, I was woken up by her continuous cough at 3 am plus. She was better after I gave her water to drink. God, please help her to recover as soon as possible.

I know that I have many tasks to do [2], but I feel that I lack the motivations [3] to do them. I must be more disciplined and determined like British polar explorer Felicity Aston. I first learned about her through the book entitled Antarctica that Little Prince read for me on 20190331 at Pasir Ris Public Library.

As I typed this post, seeing the fallen yellow leaves as a result of the wind blowing was quite autumn-like and peaceful, in spite of the impending rain. I dislike rain, perhaps because I have to pick Little Prince walking through non-sheltered park. It’s actually a nice park. I’m just worried that 被雨水淋了will lead to a longer recover for Little Princess.

***

[1] The main reason I quit my job ending in 2018 was for spending more time with the women in my life: Mama, Little Princess and myself

[2] My tasks that I often postpone include planning for a Europe trip with Mama in 2019 Q3, decluttering items at home [4] and organizing photos taken since 2018. God, please give me the determination and decisiveness to do what I must do for the peace of my mind.

[3] As a quiet person, I prefer to live and work in solitude or through one-to-one interactions. I dreamed of writing a best-selling book that will be listed in the New York Times Bestselling list, but I don’t even have the time to read now. I also still have a pro-bono work that I wish to use to complete my 3 unfinished projects. God, please help me to complete them by the end of 2019.

[4] We may be moving home by the end of 2019 Q4 for Little Prince to attend a better primary school. It means that we will be downsizing and have less space, but perhaps less cleaning work for me. Today (20190402), I swept some thick dust that accummulated under some luggage and boxes. The cleaner hired on 20190331 didn’t bother to move and clean them, but at least she cleaned the toilet and he paid for the cleaning fee.

Doing house chores whole day …

On 20190401, I felt that I have been working non-stop but to little results.

We woke up at 9 am plus as I slept at 2 am. I wish I could sleep earlier. In the past few years, I slept late due to work requirement, but now in 2019, I often suffer from insomnia. Perhaps, I am worried about my future.

I cooked simple lunch for Little Princess and I: brown rice with silver anchovies, some pre-washed and pre-cut pumpkin, cauliflower and carrot, plus a steamed egg that she liked. While the lunch was ready at 12 noon, we started eating only at perhaps 12.40 noon as I was working with my laptop. Yes, I’m still doing a pro bono work, but I feel that he greatly diminishes my contributions.

After lunch, I managed to persuade her to nap at the room of Little Prince. I overestimated what I could do at 1.30pm. I thought that I could finish cleaning room 1 and took a shower at 2.30pm. However, by 3pm, I only finished vacuuming room 1 (after wiping away dusts and lifting the mattresses), so I decided to pump without showering. While it was a quick pump (I think < 10 mins), I am thankful that the antibodies-containing milk, albeit in a small amount, could contribute to healing Little Princess. She coughed badly the night before.

We reached Little Prince’s school by 3.35pm because I wanted to eat free (not really, we paid for the expensive school fee) and to allow her to see (and interact with) other children.

Before going home, I bought a part of fish and a cooked dish of vegetables as our additional dishes for dinner. It costed $5.8 but I don’t have to worry of being complained about oily kitchen. I cook our meals by only boiling and steaming.

At home, I made them milk as they were hungry before 6 pm but I knew if I gave them an early dinner, they would be hungry earlier at later hours of night.

Then, I went to shower. A warm shower relaxed my painful back muscles. In 2019, I am no longer working long hours with computers, but I still feel back pain. Perhaps, I carried the over 12kg Little Princess around when it’s rain or when we cross roads.

The dinner was not enjoyable, like many dinners before because Little Prince whined a lot, set bad examples (e.g. sleeping on the dining table) that Little Princess followed, Little Prince talked impolitely and Little Prince moved like a worm while dining. He could say, “Mama, can you please give me some vegetables?” instead of “I want! I want! I want!” in an impatient tone.

After dinner, I washed dishes, put new bed sheets, pillow cases. It took time too, while it’s not a heavy duty one like cleaning toilets. I didn’t allow the cleaner to do it yesterday with the rationale that the new bed sheets and pillow cases might get dirty as they came from outside, didn’t shower, and might work cleaning elsewhere.

After that, I read 2 story books for Little Prince and Little Princess. I guess it’s a happy moment today, apart from other mundane encounters. There are moments when I saw the running Little Princess or the creative Little Prince building an airport that made me happy, in spite of I gave up teaching him homework. He prefers playing to learning systematically, which may be different from the 6-years-old me.

Their father came back at 9pm plus and felt that his interactions with them promoted only division and jealousy. Sad! However, there is nothing that I can do.

Honestly, I sometimes feel overwhelmed when Little Prince and Little Princess are quarreling. I realize that I intrinsically value harmony greatly.

I wonder how super Moms can care for their little children. Little Prince told me yesterday (20190331) that he wanted only a child, perhaps he is wiser than me. I missed the day when Little Prince and I were living together in the desert, trying to survive and learn. I cherish the peaceful moment spent solely with Little Princess. Human dynamics are interesting and complex!

I prefer one-on-one interactions.

A prayer for Little Princess

On 20190330, while on the lift to the library for a storytelling session, Little Princess vomitted for the 2nd time this week.

After cleaning her puke at the nursing room, eating our lunch, bringing her to see a doctor, showering both Little Prince and Little Princess, I felt tired.

Perhaps, I didn’t sleep well. On 20190329, I dreamed that Little Princess fell into a toilet bowl and I had to shower her thoroughly. On 20190328, I dreamed that I was asked by Little Prince to fly a helicopter with a friend who behaves and looks similarly to a friend who taught me how to paint with light in Cambridge or a friend who indirectly taught me the composition in Vancouver.

At this moment, I am thankful that I could care for Little Princess 24/7 as she is not attending any school yet. I do my voluntary work while she is asleep.

Dear God, please help Little Princess to get well completely asap.

While reading about a quinoa entrepreneur who plans to only have her child(ren) when she turns 35, I could fathom that having children often means sacrificing our dreams, but nurturing children is one of things that I believe will outlast our lives.

To self-educate

In the early hours of 20190329 (Fri), I was sleepless and discovered a lady who helped her children to attend universities by the age of 14.

It brought back a memory when I was in Primary 6 and thought of the futility of attending school.

How could I help Little Prince and Little Princess to discover their potentials?