I feel more breathless than ever!

After the travel-related-sleep deprivation from the early 20190514 until the 5 pm when I really lightly slept at Crowne Plaza comfortable sofa but with frequent loud luggage wheel sound that I didn’t bother, I feel more breathless than ever.

Below are some tips according to Chinese Medicine:

“Try to avoid stress, as worry will weaken the Lung and Spleen and lead to breathlessness.

Try not to overwork, as this will weaken Kidney-Yin (and cause an insufficiency of body fluid) and will lead to chronic breathlessness.”

When Little Princess or Little Prince* is naughty, I feel stress.

Yes, I have visions for them to be successful but now I only hope that they will grow up healthily. I try not to be as ambitious, though I have been inspired to be ambitious since childhood thanks to my late Papa.

*On a positive note, when I reached home at 8.10 am on 20190514, I found a bouquet of carnation flowers that Little Prince got for me. Thank you my Darling! He is the man whom I love most in this world, especially when many people deserted me after I have no more $ coming in monthly.

Love in the front

On 20190417, I slept at ~ 3 am whereas Little Princess slept at ~ 1 am (I woke her up from her nap at ~ 6.30 pm on 20190416). I wanted to sleep already past midnight, but through a song about mother’s love, I discovered a movie that drove my curiosity to finish it thanks to YouTube.

Some lessons for us from 爱在前方:

Never give up! The old man and the boy traveled by trains, buses, and on feet following weak clues to find the boy’s mother.
While traveling, take a good care of our child(ren) as kidnappers are among us, including the son of the old man who is in the jail. The old man was panic when the boy went missing during an overnight stay.

The old man reminded me on my late Papa, and the naughty non-biological grandson made me feel the pain when Little Prince and Little Princess whined and were not listening to me. I could learn more from the old man, though once he broke into tears.

The 20190417 Little Princess who woke me up at ~10.50 am had been cranky. She bumped to a wall while walking and hit her head, so I told her to nap as we need to pick her brother at 4 pm.

Comparing and striving for mastery

I have been trained to compare things and people; these include others and myself.

On 20190414, I chanced upon an instagram of a mother (Hazliana) who reads a lot for her daughters and teaches them well in numeracy and literacy. She has also prepared sensory toys, her daughters have drawn colorfully or creatively, and they did a lot of crafts [1]. I am envious and worried for Little Princess ad I have not exposed her to much of sensory toys and we have not sent her to any school after she dropped out before turning 1 year old.

At least, from 20190416, I started posting materials that I taught Little Princess (see ref2019/done_agenda* for the Instagram tag). While it would not be able to out compete the colorful stuff that children are exposed at nursery and kindergartens, at least we had learned some things.

Then, on 20190415, I wasted my precious 1 hour (while Little Princess) was napping, browsing and learning more about a Miss World runner up whose look resemble the Godmother of Little Prince. I wondered what she has been up to. She is an entertainer (of course, with such a credential and good look!) and does missions.

I must stop comparing myself to others. I could always learn from others, but not feel low self-esteem.

I am not a bird that sing beautifully without a word.
I am not a bug who crawls in a mug.
I am not a dragon that sits in a wagon.
I am not a parrot that loves eating carrot.
I am no a squirrel that likes to quarrel.
I am a mother who loves reading for my chidlren,
while juggling the desire to simply cook healthy food for them.

***

[1] While we were browsing a book store on 20190416, Little princess requested me to buy for her a craft book containing a scissor and papers that can be cut to make items e.g. hats, umbrella, etc. However, the minimalist me who was worried of clutters told her “later, Darling!” Mama would buy for you only after you know how to color properly. I bought her a coloring book. For books that we can borrow from libraries, I would not by for Little Prince or Little Princess. Yes, that’s how frugal I am, especially I trade the hours of my life to spend more time with Little Princess instead of earning $.

Insomnia

On 20190414, I only managed to sleep at ~ 6 am! I could not sleep after we switched off light at 11 pm on 20190413.

Thankfully, it was a Sunday so Little Prince and Little Princess had someone else to chat with.

我做 honey lemon 给 Little Prince and Little Princess。Their father 不要我煮午餐，他去买 ,因为他想吃 nasi lemak + 炒果条。他也把锁头忘了, 吊在门口。

吃午饭后，我收盘，洗衣服，收衣服，也要一段时间。

However, Little Prince and I had to give our weekly mother-son outing a miss, as he got a fever.

How could I stop my insomnia and fall asleep immediately?

Often, my body was tired but my mind was so active.

There are so many thoughts going around in my mind while I lay down on the pillow. Perhaps, I should be more persevered on my writing dream: to publish a book that is widely read and beneficial to others (see ref2019/ideas_pte*). People, from the ancient times, love stories.

That’s why perhaps I ended up sleeping so late as after I finished a part of my task at ~ 3 am, instead of sleeping, I read about the stories of others [1]. Perhaps, I have been dissatisfied with my mundane life since the beginning of 2019: quitting my career (and the highest salary that I had ever received), a marriage without love but a man who often gives me looks full of contempt [2], intellectually less challenging interactions [3] with a toddler – my Little Princess but perhaps a treasure of a lifetime, for I know once she grows up, things will be different.

As days pass, I hope that I will be more grateful for my Little Prince, Little Princess, simple life and every day. I could create my own wonderful stories.

***

[1] Since I have some attributes related to autism (socializing and small talks drain my energy, I love listening to few songs that I like again and again), I want to watch autism-related movies:

Tomorrow Is Another Day 黃金花
Ocean Heaven (2010)
Destiny (about Xi He)

[2] While the father of Little Prince and Little Princess often gives me looks full of contempt, I will do my best to teach empathy to both Little Prince and Little Princess, because what parents do toward each other and toward their children teaches kids to do the same.

During a dinner in April 2019, Little Prince shared that he does not want to have any child as he does not want to wash the butt of the child, a message that is perhaps subconsciously internalized by the complaints of his father.

My marriage life is the opposite of my parents’ marriage, so it is a big hit for me. My father prioritized my mother over anyone, but he passed away at a young age of 66.

[3] At the library on 20190413, she surprised me when she pointed out a cover picture (among 6 pictures) of a book that I read for her: Peppa Pig My Mummy. Thus, I must put more efforts to share with Little Princess about the world: colors, shapes, alphabets, 2-3 languages that I speak, and how to read by herself.

It is ok to sleep

On 20190412, I started using my laptop aiming to work at 6 am but I felt so sleepy by 9 am. While I tried to sleep, Little Princess asked for her 2nd bottle of the day (the 1st request was at 5.30 am) and I felt so tired to wake up.

Later, I accidentally cut my right little finger while I was peeling pumpkin for our 1-pot lunch and dinner.

I craved so much for my caffeine supply of either coffee with milk or green-tea with milk. For the former, I am still pumping milk (albeit at pathetic amount, but it’s better than none at all) to help boosting her immune response. For the latter, I avoided it because I consumed some Chinese herbal medicine and I didn’t want the supposed beneficial effects to be washed away by the tea.

While doing my chores in the kitchen, I listened to many beautiful songs, including some some songs that allowed me to 想到小时听爸爸妈妈喜欢听的歌。一边煮饭，一边听. Little Princess 一边玩，一边跳舞。

One of my most favorites was 我想有个家 sang by 邱诗晗 with her crystal voice. A part of the lyric resonated with me:

只要心中充滿愛 就會被關懷
無法埋怨誰 一切只能靠自己

While listening to these angelic voices, I wondered on the efforts and talents behind such mesmerizing performances. The insecurity in me reminded me on past events in my life.

In 1999, I was evicted from a singing group of 4-5 people by a girl who is talented in playing piano. Later, she became a piano teacher. At that time, I felt so humiliated and sad, accepting that I have no talent in singing. Yes, I am tone deaf. This is in contrast to my late Papa. Once he heard tunes, he could replay them in musical instruments such as harmonica or flutes. I am sorry that he is 怀才不遇. He still had many unfulfilled dreams when he passed away.

Sometimes, I am worried that Little Prince and Little Princess would be 怀才不遇, or even worse, 怀才不知.

While I am who has been 怀才不够, had been very fortunate with opportunities to learn and travel, I am worried for my future and those of Little Prince and Little Princess.

I’ll just do my best to give them happy childhood and opportunities exploring their talents and passions [1].

Then, Little Princess refused to nap and I managed only to sent an email that was supposed to be delivered more than a week ago.

During dinner, Little Prince asked me if doctors will die. I replied, “Yes.”

Little Prince’s Mama: “Only God will not die?”

Little Prince’s Mama: “That’s what people said.”

Little Prince: “Who are those people?”

Little Prince’s Mama: “For example, people who wrote the Bible i.e. the students (disciples) of Jesus. Are you afraid of dying?”

Little Prince nodded.

Little Prince’s Mama: “Don’t worry. It would only happen after you have raised your children, played with your grandchildren, flown many awesome flights, it would be many, many years ago.”

Little Prince: “However, some children 小朋友 were not lucky. They died early. Why?”

Little Prince’s Mama: “Yes, they died from illnesses or accidents. That’s why you must be very careful. You were lucky that your left ear, instead of your head, was accidentally hit by another child in the childcare. We are careful not to hurt ourselves and others, but we cannot expect others to be as careful as us.”

My thought went to an advice from my late Papa, “害人之心不可有，防人之心不可无.”

During dinner, Little Prince also shared that he dislikes Chinese lessons because the teacher is fierce like a tiger. I asked him if he has been scolded before, he replied “No,” but his friends has been scolded often. I noticed that both are the only sons in their family.

Then, I allowed them to play with LEGO duplo after they did some homework and revision. It seemed that they started to be able to play harmoniously together. How blessed I am to be able to witness them playing while I typed this post; I purposefully brought the toys to our bedroom to avoid them being bitten by mosquitoes (I don’t like rainy days as the mosquitoes had been feasting on my children’s blood!).

I hope that I could sleep well tonight to prepare for a busy Saturday!

***

[1] On 20190412, I asked Little Prince if he would like to learn playing ukulele. He replied, “No, it’s not his interest” However, he is interested to learn singing.

I can do it

On 20190412, Little Princess woke up me at 5.30 am with her request for milk. After my breakfast (I was hungry late last night but told myself not to eat supper), I started working at 6 am plus. I guess washing my face helped to ease my sleepiness and reduce the temptation to return to sleep.

I learned that a co-worker didn’t receive my email with attachment. I cc-ed to myself (a work email address) but I forgot about it that I myself did not receive it. I will be more careful next time, especially I want to wrap this project asap.

Yesterday, I wasted time by reading about Amy Cuddy and Elizabeth Holmes [1], while Little Princess was playing a playground using an IKEA chair and a sofa for climbing and jumping, she said “I can do it” which surprised me, then we had to pick Little Prince.

Inspired by Little Princess, I thought to myself, I can do finishing my backlogs and be ready for our next move for Little Prince’s next chapter of education.

Last night (20190411) during the dinner, Little Prince shared that he didn’t like Chinese Mandarin and dance lessons. Thus, I asked him what he likes. He has been enjoying the LEGO robotics and English lessons.

Instead of blindly chasing academic results, I must observe what Little Prince and Little Princess love and like to do regardless of the challenges, and assist them (without them feeling that I am assisting them) [2]. Before Little Prince and Little Princess are being bogged down with a lot of homework and projects, I wish to expose them to diverse activities for them to discover themselves, their passions, and strengths. Once they reach puberty, it may be harder to guide them, though revolution in mind set happened to me in my teens as a result of living away from my parents.

Like my late Papa who had a vision for me to win scholarships, I envision for Little Prince and Little Princess to discover their passions and live their truest lives. If they passion requires them to obtain a tertiary qualification and we can accelerate it, why not?

I know that Little Prince has been fascinated by aviation since the age 4. He wants to be a pilot, so I did my best to bring him to a flight simulator, in spite of him being under height and could not see the runway. He loves drawing and building air crafts using LEGO. He has been excited reading about planes and places. Let’s see …

Later that night (20190411), I suggested him to teach Little Princess alphabets, while I showered. It was not a smooth running as Little Princess refused to obediently listen to his big brother 100% of the time, but not too bad.

I remember Little Prince told me not too long ago that if he could not be a pilot, he could teach people about aviation.

***

[1] At their rise, I honestly admired these ladies with brain and beauty. I was also interested in psychology to feel better and considered pursuing a study in psychology, but seeing how brutal the field is, I am no longer interested.

Have you tried any power pose? These days, I find it hard to believe in many things that I used to believed in. I am envious to the innocence of little children. Nevertheless, power pose is a positive thing.

Sometimes, I feel overwhelmed by advertisements and messages shared in social media. My solution so far has been to disconnect but it may not make me a better friend who stays in touch. An acquaintance whom I met in Switzerland in summer 2010 shared that we should keep in touch every 3 month, or else the friendship will start to fade away.

[2] How I wish my parents could assist me while I struggled in my education. They did within their capacity, e.g. Papa spoke to the vice headmaster to help us skip a grade, but not so much in the contents as they had to work to earn a living and they didn’t even have a chance to finish high school, so they didn’t understand what I went through in my undergraduate days.

Live slowly

On 20190410, I had to wake Little Princess up at 11 am plus and she still refused to wake up. She asked for milk at 8.30 am but went back to sleep.

I was actually planning to bring her to a new playground that we saw from a bus (about 2 bus stops away) since 20190408. Since the sky seemed to be cloudy, I walked and pushed her in the stroller. However, when we reached there, the hot sun is showing up and I could smell the rubbery smell of the playground flooring!

We will return there when we manage to reach there by 8 am and we have to leave by 9 am to prevent hot UV. How could I fall asleep quickly at night? There are often many thoughts that came to my mind before I managed to fall asleep since March 2019!

Then, we went to buy groceries. I initially wanted to bring her to a library but the 1-way journey there was about 1 hour plus according to the Google Map, but I was worried that I would be late to pick Little Prince. Thus, we went home to enjoy my free Nine Fresh dessert (it’s actually a reward after we bought 6 bowls from them), I like it a lot!

After finishing my dessert [1], I washed the salad leaves. I bought kale from Australia, which is rarely sold, and started washing from 3.15 pm to almost 5 pm! How slow I worked! I am thankful that I was still able to earn a living and a saving given how slow I work, or have I became slower than ever? I am thankful to efficient people who have worked together with me, including an Indian lady who is still working with me. Thank you, God!

While I started to prepare Little Prince and Little Princess to sleep at 9 pm plus (making their milk, feeding medicine, brushing teeth, etc) and they managed to sleep, I was still awake at 10.30 pm so I decided to work using my laptop.

However, I ended up reading news, an activity that did not help me to make contributions and feel better. From traffic accidents that claimed the life of young beautiful women, I learned not to sit at the other side of the driver at the back, not to travel at night and some drivers are careless. Even though we are careful, our lives can be affected by the careless.

Pondering of my life for the past quarter of 2019, I feel that I need more faith, hope and love. On faith, I am envious of Christians who have eternal faith on God in spite of what happened to them, I wish I could have such an unswayed faith on God [2]. While trying to sleep, my mind thought of my colleague’s wife. She used to go to the weekly service, until her second daughter was born with Down syndrome and had to undergo heart surgeries. I felt guilty as I unknowingly hugged her second daughter when I brought Little Prince to visit her home in Spring 2017.

To help me to sleep, I tried reading some Chicken Soup for the Soul, which I first learned about while I was a teen. I wish to have energetic mornings, instead of feeling tired every morning like what happened for the past few weeks. Perhaps, I should start drinking soothing chammomile tea, like what I used to do when I pursued a PhD.

Yes, I realize that I have more negative inner self-talk recently. Am I experiencing a mid-life crisis? Many things that I believe in seem to be shattered.

I feel unloved. My spouse told me that he would divorce me when our children grow up. Papa has left; Mama has many responsibilities. When she is visiting my maternal grandmother, I feel that she forgets about me. On the other hand, when she is alone in the city where I spent my childhood, she would often video chat with me via Whats App. After all, for her goodness, it is better for her to stay with the big family of my maternal grandmother. A friend of Mama’s sister suffered from low blood pressure, fell unconscious and broke her arm. It’s not safe to be living alone.

I want to try positive inner-self talk to help me sleeping well. “I feel relaxed. I’m going right to sleep.”

I can put all my worries aside when I have to sleep. After years of being sleep-deprived, I really need to heal my body. Don’t worry about the uncompleted projects and rejections [3].

***

[1] Little Princess liked Nine Fresh dessert last time but she seemed avoiding the bean curd at all this afternoon.

[2] I knew a couple from my undergraduate almamater who are both good-looking, talented and had a fairytale-like relationship. Later, her handsome’s son suffers from autism and her daughter endured epileptic fit. She gave up on her career (after pursuing a PhD) and passion (writing about weddings) to care for her children and still has an immense faith on God.

For me right now, I feel that reading Bible does not help me. Perhaps, I had the impression that Bible is full of scary stories. For the 2nd primary school that I attended, we were given a choice to study Christianity or Buddhism. Since the Buddhism teacher was absent in the first week, the Christianity teacher taught all students and shared about scary stories. However, at home while asking for $ to pay for the Bible, Papa was unhappy and asked me to return to the Christianity teacher. Thankfully, I had not written any name or word on it.

[3] Author Lisa Genova set out to send 100 query letters to literary agents and received so many rejection letters for Still Alice. Never give up!

Finding the time

On 20190409, I thought that I could start working using my laptop at 3 pm, but Little Princess refused to nap as she passed motion into the diaper that I just put on her! [1]

After washing her butt, I felt hungry. Thus, I enjoyed a mug of Milo (4 tsp of Milo powder with low-fat milk) and cheese cake. Then, the washing machine was done and spent time hanging clothes. Perhaps, I need to buy more hangers for children’s clothes so that I don’t have to spend time folding those items. Perhaps, when Little Princess starts schooling like Little Prince has been doing, she would not need so many clothing any more.

I could only start my laptop at 4.30 pm. My initial plan was to start pumping milk at 4.30 pm for Little Princess, then we could walk to a far-away park but the rain canceled my plan. I would research on how to enjoy our day trip tomorrow, it’s a break for me from cooking simple and nutritious meals, so we will not feel bored.

If I have no backlogs to clear and no voluntary commitment, I may not be feeling so stressed. These days, I rarely use my laptop, it’s too bulky to be brought anywhere like the mini one that I had from 2016-2018.

However, I still use my mobile phone as a camera, music player (I enjoyed this children music after my mind rejected affirmations by others [2]), record notes and a communication device with Mama.

Sometimes, I feel sad giving up on my career. However, the tough life of 5-hour/day sleep that I endured until 2018, while from the outside looked cool as a career woman who singly cared for Little Prince, is life-shortening. I knew that my body suffered. Even now, I often feel back pains, which have worsened after the birth of Little Princess. I would like to spend more time with Little Princess and caring for our body and health.

***

[1] I thought that today (20190409), Little Princess made some progresses by passing motion on the potty (after sipping her fluimucil and eating her cheese cake), and later passing urine there as I reminded her to do so, so she would not wet her princess underwear. Perhaps, one learns by making a progress, then moving backward, and then forward again.

[2] I think the only affirmations that work are those written by myself and I believe in. For example, to ease my back pain, I affirm life loves me. I don’t have to worry about shelter and food, we have enough $ to buy food and we have fully paid our mortgage.

No more laptop and mobile phone after 11 pm

On 20190404, I only managed to switch off my laptop at 3.30 am but I knew that I didn’t manage to sleep at 4 am.

My back has been in pain, perhaps because I carried Little Princess whole afternoon yesterday (2190403) to Yishun and Toa Payoh, for the laksa and a library program, which was disappointing for me.

Then, at 5.50 am, Little Princess cried and asked for milk. Thus, the sleep-deprived me woke up to prepare her milk and went back to sleep again.

In the mornings, I don’t have any motivation to wake up as I feel to tired. I only woke up at 9.30 am when Little Princess asked me to prepare her milk for drinking again.

I wish I could sleep before 12 midnight, or 11 pm if possible. However, Little Prince sleeps only at 11 pm. Actually, I am amazed by him given that he wakes up at 7.30 am or earlier daily for his school.

I wish I could wake up at 8 am so that I don’t have to see the father of Little Prince and avoid his hurtful words. Then, I could bring Little Princess to playgrounds and shower her once we are back. It is better than showering her late in the evening, but when we go out and return only in the evening, we have no choice.

Some strategies that I would love trying:

No more laptop and mobile phone after 11 pm
Do not be curious of other people [1]
Focus on finishing my tasks

Then, at 10.30 am the drilling sound from the neighbour returned [2]. Thankfully, it stopped at 11 am plus so I decided to stay at home and cook our meals. I don’t want to bring Little Princess out everyday.

A positive note is that Little Princess told me that she wanted to sit on the potty to pass motion. It is a hardened stool, as she didn’t drink sufficiently yesterday. Then, I asked her if she wanted to pass urine, she replied Yes and did it! Though she was slower than the average child for potty training of 27 months, I cherish her achievements!

Hope she continues using the potty so we do not have to spend so much $ on the diapers.

***

[1] I have Little Prince and Little Princess whom I could interact and influence more to live happily.

[2] It made me appreciate my need for peace even more: physical peace (free from loud noise) and emotional peace (free from conflicts and arguments).

I wish I could wake up earlier …

The first quarter of 2019 has passed and I felt that I did not make any meaningful contribution. Yes, I am a result-oriented person. To soothe my worrying self, below are some good things that happened in the 2019 Q1:

met Mama twice [1]
spent days and nights with Little Princess
slept more as I used to sleep very little (sometimes 5 hours in 24 hours) in the past 3 years (2016-2018), though I am worried that I overslept now and hence waste my life away.
a ~2-week long Taiwan trip
sold 2 items via Carousell to declutter

On 20190402, I woke up at 9 am plus because Little Princess requested for milk. However, I felt so sleepy and went back to sleep again. I told her to have a morning nap. I often could not sleep at night (perhaps, i should stop using my mobile phone to read about others after 11 pm); after managed to switch off the light at 1 am, I was woken up by her continuous cough at 3 am plus. She was better after I gave her water to drink. God, please help her to recover as soon as possible.

I know that I have many tasks to do [2], but I feel that I lack the motivations [3] to do them. I must be more disciplined and determined like British polar explorer Felicity Aston. I first learned about her through the book entitled Antarctica that Little Prince read for me on 20190331 at Pasir Ris Public Library.

As I typed this post, seeing the fallen yellow leaves as a result of the wind blowing was quite autumn-like and peaceful, in spite of the impending rain. I dislike rain, perhaps because I have to pick Little Prince walking through non-sheltered park. It’s actually a nice park. I’m just worried that 被雨水淋了will lead to a longer recover for Little Princess.

***

[1] The main reason I quit my job ending in 2018 was for spending more time with the women in my life: Mama, Little Princess and myself

[2] My tasks that I often postpone include planning for a Europe trip with Mama in 2019 Q3, decluttering items at home [4] and organizing photos taken since 2018. God, please give me the determination and decisiveness to do what I must do for the peace of my mind.

[3] As a quiet person, I prefer to live and work in solitude or through one-to-one interactions. I dreamed of writing a best-selling book that will be listed in the New York Times Bestselling list, but I don’t even have the time to read now. I also still have a pro-bono work that I wish to use to complete my 3 unfinished projects. God, please help me to complete them by the end of 2019.

[4] We may be moving home by the end of 2019 Q4 for Little Prince to attend a better primary school. It means that we will be downsizing and have less space, but perhaps less cleaning work for me. Today (20190402), I swept some thick dust that accummulated under some luggage and boxes. The cleaner hired on 20190331 didn’t bother to move and clean them, but at least she cleaned the toilet and he paid for the cleaning fee.