Category: eat

Insomnia

On 20190414, I only managed to sleep at ~ 6 am! I could not sleep after we switched off light at 11 pm on 20190413.

Thankfully, it was a Sunday so Little Prince and Little Princess had  someone else to chat with.

我做 honey lemon 给 Little Prince and Little Princess。Their father 不要 我 煮午餐，他 去买 ,因为 他 想 吃 nasi lemak + 炒果条。他 也 把 锁头 忘了, 吊在门口。

吃午饭后，我收盘，洗衣服，收衣服，也要一段时间。

However, Little Prince and I had to give our weekly mother-son outing a miss, as he got a fever.

How could I stop my insomnia and fall asleep immediately?

Often, my body was tired but my mind was so active.

There are so many thoughts going around in my mind while I lay down on the pillow. Perhaps, I should be more persevered on my writing dream: to publish a book that is widely read and beneficial to others (see ref2019/ideas_pte*). People, from the ancient times, love stories.

That’s why perhaps I ended up sleeping so late as after I finished a part of my task at ~ 3 am, instead of sleeping, I read about the stories of others [1]. Perhaps, I have been dissatisfied with my mundane life since the beginning of 2019: quitting my career (and the highest salary that I had ever received), a marriage without love but a man who often gives me looks full of contempt [2], intellectually less challenging interactions [3] with a toddler – my Little Princess but perhaps a treasure of a lifetime, for I know once she grows up, things will be different.

As days pass, I hope that I will be more grateful for my Little Prince, Little Princess, simple life and every day. I could create my own wonderful stories.

***

[1] Since I have some attributes related to autism (socializing and small talks drain my energy, I love listening to few songs that I like again and again), I want to watch autism-related movies:

  • Tomorrow Is Another Day 黃金花
  • Ocean Heaven (2010)
  • Destiny (about Xi He)

[2] While the father of Little Prince and Little Princess often gives me looks full of contempt, I will do my best to teach empathy to both Little Prince and Little Princess, because what parents do toward each other and toward their children teaches kids to do the same.

During a dinner in April 2019, Little Prince shared that he does not want to have any child as he does not want to wash the butt of the child, a message that is perhaps subconsciously internalized by the complaints of his father.

My marriage life is the opposite of my parents’ marriage, so it is a big hit for me. My father prioritized my mother over anyone, but he passed away at a young age of 66.

[3] At the library on 20190413, she surprised me when she pointed out a cover picture (among 6 pictures) of a book that I read for her: Peppa Pig My Mummy. Thus, I must put more efforts to share with Little Princess about the world: colors, shapes, alphabets, 2-3 languages that I speak, and how to read by herself.

It is ok to sleep

On 20190412, I started using my laptop aiming to work at 6 am but I felt so sleepy by 9 am. While I tried to sleep, Little Princess asked for her 2nd bottle of the day (the 1st request was at 5.30 am) and I felt so tired to wake up.

Later, I accidentally cut my right little finger while I was peeling pumpkin for our 1-pot lunch and dinner.

I craved so much for my caffeine supply of either coffee with milk or green-tea with milk. For the former, I am still pumping milk (albeit at pathetic amount, but it’s better than none at all) to help boosting her immune response. For the latter, I avoided it because I consumed some Chinese herbal medicine and I didn’t want the supposed beneficial effects to be washed away by the tea.

While doing my chores in the kitchen, I listened to many beautiful songs, including some some songs that allowed me to 想到 小时 听 爸爸妈妈 喜欢听的歌。 一边煮饭，一边听. Little Princess 一边玩，一边跳舞。

One of my most favorites was 我想有个家 sang by 邱诗晗 with her crystal voice. A part of the lyric resonated with me:

只要心中充滿愛 就會被關懷
無法埋怨誰 一切只能靠自己 

While listening to these angelic voices, I wondered on the efforts and talents behind such mesmerizing performances. The insecurity in me reminded me on past events in my life.

In 1999, I was evicted from a singing group of 4-5 people by a girl who is talented in playing piano. Later, she became a piano teacher. At that time, I felt so humiliated and sad, accepting that I have no talent in singing. Yes, I am tone deaf. This is in contrast to my late Papa. Once he heard tunes, he could replay them in musical instruments such as harmonica or flutes. I am sorry that he is 怀才不遇. He still had many unfulfilled dreams when he passed away.

Sometimes, I am worried that Little Prince and Little Princess would be 怀才不遇, or even worse, 怀才不知.

While I am who has been 怀才不够,  had been very fortunate with opportunities to learn and travel, I am worried for my future and those of Little Prince and Little Princess.

I’ll just do my best to give them happy childhood and opportunities exploring their talents and passions [1].

Then, Little Princess refused to nap and I managed only to sent an email that was supposed to be delivered more than a week ago.

During dinner, Little Prince asked me if doctors will die. I replied, “Yes.”

Little Prince’s Mama: “Only God will not die?”

Little Prince’s Mama: “That’s what people said.”

Little Prince: “Who are those people?”

Little Prince’s Mama: “For example, people who wrote the Bible i.e. the students (disciples) of Jesus. Are you afraid of dying?”

Little Prince nodded.

Little Prince’s Mama: “Don’t worry. It would only happen after you have raised your children, played with your grandchildren, flown many awesome flights, it would be many, many years ago.”

Little Prince: “However, some children 小朋友 were not lucky. They died early. Why?”

Little Prince’s Mama: “Yes, they died from illnesses or accidents. That’s why you must be very careful. You were lucky that your left ear, instead of your head, was accidentally hit by another child in the childcare. We are careful not to hurt ourselves and others, but we cannot expect others to be as careful as us.”

My thought went to an advice from my late Papa, “害人之心不可有，防人之心不可无.”

During dinner, Little Prince also shared that he dislikes Chinese lessons because the teacher is fierce like a tiger. I asked him if he has been scolded before, he replied “No,” but his friends has been scolded often. I noticed that both are the only sons in their family.

Then, I allowed them to play with LEGO duplo after they did some homework and revision. It seemed that they started to be able to play harmoniously together. How blessed I am to be able to witness them playing while I typed this post; I purposefully brought the toys to our bedroom to avoid them being bitten by mosquitoes (I don’t like rainy days as the mosquitoes had been feasting on my children’s blood!).

I hope that I could sleep well tonight to prepare for a busy Saturday!

***

[1] On 20190412, I asked Little Prince if he would like to learn playing ukulele. He replied, “No, it’s not his interest” However, he is interested to learn singing.

 

 

Finding the time

On 20190409, I thought that I could start working using my laptop at 3 pm, but Little Princess refused to nap as she passed motion into the diaper that I just put on her! [1]

After washing her butt, I felt hungry. Thus, I enjoyed a mug of Milo (4 tsp of Milo powder with low-fat milk) and cheese cake. Then, the washing machine was done and spent time hanging clothes. Perhaps, I need to buy more hangers for children’s clothes so that I don’t have to spend time folding those items. Perhaps, when Little Princess starts schooling like Little Prince has been doing, she would not need so many clothing any more.

I could only start my laptop at 4.30 pm. My initial plan was to start pumping milk at 4.30 pm for Little Princess, then we could walk to a far-away park but the rain canceled my plan. I would research on how to enjoy our day trip tomorrow, it’s a break for me from cooking simple and nutritious meals, so we will not feel bored.

If I have no backlogs to clear and no voluntary commitment, I may not be feeling so stressed. These days, I rarely use my laptop, it’s too bulky to be brought anywhere like the mini one that I had from 2016-2018.

However, I still use my mobile phone as a camera, music player (I enjoyed this children music after my mind rejected affirmations by others [2]), record notes and a communication device with Mama.

Sometimes, I feel sad giving up on my career. However, the tough life of 5-hour/day sleep that I endured until 2018, while from the outside looked cool as a career woman who singly cared for Little Prince, is life-shortening. I knew that my body suffered. Even now, I often feel back pains, which have worsened after the birth of Little Princess. I would like to spend more time with Little Princess and caring for our body and health.

***

[1] I thought that today (20190409), Little Princess made some progresses by passing motion on the potty (after sipping her fluimucil and eating her cheese cake), and later passing urine there as I reminded her to do so, so she would not wet her princess underwear. Perhaps, one learns by making a progress, then moving backward, and then forward again.

[2] I think the only affirmations that work are those written by myself and I believe in. For example, to ease my back pain, I affirm life loves me. I don’t have to worry about shelter and food, we have enough $ to buy food and we have fully paid our mortgage.

Playgrounds are not always safe

On 20190408, I woke up earlier than usual at ~ 7.30 am. I was thinking of bringing Little Princess to a playground that we saw from a double decker bus in a Friday evening (201890405). The playground seemed to have smaller stuff that suits Little Princess. I wish she would be more courageous to try slides, but I’ll let her to take her time.

While waiting for Little Princess to wake up, I prepared our 1-pot rice in a rice cooker. We finished the last remains of Egyptian rice (of Nefertiti brand) that I flew from the Middle East. I put carrot, pumpkin, sweet potato and lady fingers. I felt that the lady fingers were pricking my finger skin while I washed them, so I might not buy them often.

However, she woke up late and we went to the playground next door at 11 am for a short while, after I waited for her to finish her fluimucil.

After our lunch and reading stories to Little Princess, I felt so sleepy that I napped with her. Perhaps, I was not meant to enjoy naps, because most time I feel uncomfortable after waking up from my nap, with beating heart beats.

After I picked Little Prince, I let them to play at the park. The experience allowed me to conclude that playgrounds are not always safe, and I prefer empty or less crowded playground.

First, at the tail of a fake dinosaur bone, a boy of similar age (thankfully of smaller size) to Little Princess came to hold her lower body. She was not happy. She tried to remove the boy’s hands, but he tried again.

It’s good that Little Princess has a big brother, Little Prince who taught her to run away. The boy chased them up until they climbed the stairs.

However, we cannot be depended on others for many things in life.

After I agreed that Little Prince could play swings provided that he held the hands of Little Princess, he ran there followed by his sister. When I managed to catch up, I saw that Little Princess was behind a moving swing. Thankfully, the mother who was pushing the swing tried to avoid hitting Little Princess.

Honestly, I was very upset with Little Prince who had sit in a bigger swing and did not pay attention to his sister. I told him Little Prince that he could not play any longer as a punishment of not taking a good care of his sister. I told him if anything happens (e.g. a girl who fell down from a swing being pushed by her brother and ended up being blind), Little Prince would be responsible for Little Princess for the rest of her life!

I would not let them to go to the swing area ahead of me anymore!

From this experience, I also learn not to let my children to play with these toys as they pose a high risk for eye injuries: guns that shoot any type of projectile, water guns, fishing poles, toy wands, swords, sabers or guns with bayonets, aerosol string, laser pointers and bright flashlights [1].

[1] Some playgrounds have the installations of LED light stuff, but Little Princess likes it a lot. I myself prefer them to play with more traditional kinds of equipment.

An unexpected day trip

On 20190403, at 9 am plus, we were woken up by the loud drilling sound from an unknown neighbor.

I decided to change my plan to work on my pro bono projects as I won’t be able to focus.

The noise was even too loud to be bearable for me to cook at the kitchen.

Thus, I brought Little Princess out without the stroller as we would be riding a bus to eat laksa that Mama and late Papa enjoyed eating 5 years ago.  Little Princess accompanied me queuing for ~ half an hour! Luckily, I brought a cheese bread that she finished by the end of the queue.

I also packed 2 left-over boiled eggs from yesterday as we unexpectedly had a dinner outside last night. Why is the egg yolk of the boiled egg from the laksa store appear greyish? Perhaps, the laksa store used older eggs.

Then, Little Princess enjoyed some play by riding some rides that I didn’t put tokens in [1]. Just imagine it’s moving! After all, the enjoyed rotating the driving wheels. She has a free ride courtesy of a generous plump mother.

Since Little Princess was attracted by a bouncing castle set up by insurance agents hunting for clients, I just let her play while allowing me to learn more about retirement plans and other things (see agenda). A remark by the more talkative agent went “money makes the world go round.”

On the lift to MRT, 2 women of my Mama’s age argued if Little Princess (I carried her with a baby carrier) is a boy or a girl. They concluded she is a boy, until they say her dress. Mama loves you Little Princess, no matter what people think and say of you.

We had a dinner at Mos Burger but it was a disappointing one. Perhaps, I saw how my $3.5 matcha latte was prepared with microwave from a container in a fridge [2]. Perhaps, the rice of the burger rice was too hard. I prefer my home cooked healthy rice. I took away an ebi burger rice for Little Prince to have a dinner at a park.

On the MRT home, a kind unmarried lady in her 60s told me that her colleague informed her about a saving of 4% interest from CPF for Little Princess. I should check it.

At night, Little Prince re-told the story of Billy Goat that he learned from his English teacher today. This made my day!

***

[1] I am worried that she would ask me for putting tokens (e.g. $1) in the future.

[2] I gradually love my version of matcha latte: a bag of green tea poured with hot water to half of the mug + fresh milk. Well, it’s not entirely freshly milked from the cow, but this is fresh milk that we normally buy from the supermarket.

Doing house chores whole day …

On 20190401, I felt that I have been working non-stop but to little results.

We woke up at 9 am plus as I slept at 2 am. I wish I could sleep earlier. In the past few years, I slept late due to work requirement, but now in 2019, I often suffer from insomnia. Perhaps, I am worried about my future.

I cooked simple lunch for Little Princess and I: brown rice with silver anchovies, some pre-washed and pre-cut pumpkin, cauliflower and carrot, plus a steamed egg that she liked. While the lunch was ready at 12 noon, we started eating only at perhaps 12.40 noon as I was working with my laptop. Yes, I’m still doing a pro bono work, but I feel that he greatly diminishes my contributions.

After lunch, I managed to persuade her to nap at the room of Little Prince. I overestimated what I could do at 1.30pm. I thought that I could finish cleaning room 1 and took a shower at 2.30pm. However, by 3pm, I only finished vacuuming room 1 (after wiping away dusts and lifting the mattresses), so I decided to pump without showering. While it was a quick pump (I think < 10 mins), I am thankful that the antibodies-containing milk, albeit in a small amount, could contribute to healing Little Princess. She coughed badly the night before.

We reached Little Prince’s school by 3.35pm because I wanted to eat free (not really, we paid for the expensive school fee) and to allow her to see (and interact with) other children.

Before going home, I bought a part of fish and a cooked dish of vegetables as our additional dishes for dinner. It costed $5.8 but I don’t have to worry of being complained about oily kitchen. I cook our meals by only boiling and steaming.

At home, I made them milk as they were hungry before 6 pm but I knew if I gave them an early dinner, they would be hungry earlier at later hours of night.

Then, I went to shower. A warm shower relaxed my painful back muscles. In 2019, I am no longer working long hours with computers, but I still feel back pain. Perhaps, I carried the over 12kg Little Princess around when it’s rain or when we cross roads.

The dinner was not enjoyable, like many dinners before because Little Prince whined a lot, set bad examples (e.g. sleeping on the dining table) that Little Princess followed, Little Prince talked impolitely and Little Prince moved like a worm while dining. He could say, “Mama, can you please give me some vegetables?” instead of “I want! I want! I want!” in an impatient tone.

After dinner, I washed dishes, put new bed sheets, pillow cases. It took time too, while it’s not a heavy duty one like cleaning toilets. I didn’t allow the cleaner to do it yesterday with the rationale that the new bed sheets and pillow cases might get dirty as they came from outside, didn’t shower, and might work cleaning elsewhere.

After that, I read 2 story books for Little Prince and Little Princess. I guess it’s a happy moment today, apart from other mundane encounters. There are moments when I saw the running Little Princess or the creative Little Prince building an airport that made me happy, in spite of I gave up teaching him homework. He prefers playing to learning systematically, which may be different from the 6-years-old me.

Their father came back at 9pm plus and felt that his interactions with them promoted only division and jealousy. Sad! However, there is nothing that I can do.

Honestly, I sometimes feel overwhelmed when Little Prince and Little Princess are quarreling. I realize that I intrinsically value harmony greatly.

I wonder how super Moms can care for their little children. Little Prince told me yesterday (20190331) that he wanted only a child, perhaps he is wiser than me. I missed the day when Little Prince and I were living together in the desert, trying to survive and learn. I cherish the peaceful moment spent solely with Little Princess. Human dynamics are interesting and complex!

I prefer one-on-one interactions.